What am I feeling? I am in the middle of transitioning back to my home city, St. Louis, MO. I have all types of feelings running through me on a daily. I came out to New York for a self-care break. But I also came out to New York with expectations.
I just knew I was going to come to New York and be the most successful person. Wrong.
I came to New York, and I fought depression and anxiety. I was struggling with loving my body. I lost who I was and had no idea how to find myself.
And then I slowly started to do for myself, and I began to feel more comfortable, and then Corona came in and stopped all of that.
I took my Social Work License Test twice and failed twice.
I could not find a job. I could not make it past turning my resume in.
I was tired and over it. I was alone.
My aunt, who I was living with, tried everything in her soul to make me have a good experience. But the truth was I was blocking myself because I did not feel worthy. As much confidence as I had, I still did not feel decent enough for everything I was going after.
I was blocking myself.
I wanted to be everywhere and wanted to do everything, but I didn't have any energy to get out of bed.
I hated therapy.
I didn't want contact with anyone.
I was snapping on the ones that I love.
Fast forward, and somehow my businesses blew up. (This business, HealingSheGotFaith) I had clients, and I hit the ground running with my big sister. Still, I didn't want it, but I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to get out of this funk. Again, I didn't feel worthy. How could I run a business, let alone two businesses?
Oh, but wait, I was also writing a book. How? I didn't have the attention span. I was fighting every day.
I wanted to be back home with my siblings and support system. But I didn't want to leave New York.
I started to write out my goals and visions. One thing I came to a conclusion was this: I couldn't afford New York. I couldn't accomplish the goals I wanted to in New York.
New York had humbled me and put me in a position where I had to sit down. I had to rest. I had to spend time with myself.
Then, my client list started to get long. All my people were from St. Louis. I had felt the need to go back home.
But how am I feeling?
I am sad. I am scared. I do not want my aunt to feel like this was a waste of time and like I didn't like living with her.
To be honest, my titi gave me something I never had: to be spoiled and catered to. I didn't want her to feel any kind of way! Because she did something for me that no one had ever done.
I am scared of disappointing people. I am afraid of not being happy. I am so frightened of going back to that dark place. I am scared of missing out on a family activity, and my family feels like I abandoned them.
I know I have to do this for myself. As proud as I am, I am feeling like I am letting people down. But I have to cater to myself. I have to make moves for myself.
So, how am I feeling?
I am proud and excited, but I am scared and sad all at the same time.
Faither, if you are reading this, I want you to know that you can do something yourself. Even when we do stuff that is so exciting, we still have those moments of not feeling excited. It is okay. Sometimes doing something positive is scary! Faither, I hope you know that whatever it is that you need to do, you can do it.
Remember to love you the way you love the world.
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