Today is two years that my mother has passed away.
Two years. I really can not believe it. Life without her has honestly been hard. I've had to relearn who I am. I've had to try to find out about my life without any guidance from my parents.
My mommy, I miss her. She was my rock. She was my comfort zone. I felt so secure with her. Even miles apart, she was the person that made me feel worthy, even when I thought I was nothing but a problem child. She was the one who loved me unconditionally.
She loved me beyond ALL measures. She had nothing but yet her kids had everything! She knew what it was like to not have anything so with the little bit that she did have she gave it to us. I can not thank her enough.
I wanted to retire her, I wanted to buy her a house and pay all of her bills. I remember talking to her and telling her she can not pass away until she is 90 years old and I am 70 years old. I really thought that mommy would be at my graduation and my wedding. I thought I would be able to take her to Puerto Rico and travel the world. I wanted to pay for her and her fiancee to go on a cruise together. There were so many plans that I just knew I was going to be able to provide for my mother.
She passed 6 days after the accident and I really thought that she would make it. I really had faith and hope that she would recover. I had it set out that my mommy would pull through and in the following year, we would be up talking about the miracle of her and my brother surviving.
One thing I haven't really spoken about is how I feel about my brother. He was the survivor of the car accident. I can't say what he's feeling, but I know how I feel. When I look at him my heart skips a beat. I am so happy to see him as a survivor. My heart used to break while looking at him because I just hated to see the physical and emotional pain that was all over his body. You can see how he was trying to move around and go back to his normal. I just wanted to take all of his pain away. I am so proud of who he is and everything that he has accomplished!
September 28th, 2018 changed my life forever. That day changed my outlook on life. It changed my faith. And it made me not even recognize myself in the mirror. 2019 was the year that I decided I was going to put myself first. The end of 2018 was such a blur and I don't really remember much of it. I do remember going to the Wild n Out concert, The 85th South Show, and the Drake and The Migos Concert. My bother wanted to go to all three and I made it my duty to make it happen.
Seeing the smiles on my big sister and little brother's face gave me fuel to an empty soul that I was carrying around. Seeing them happy and smiling is what made me realize that I had a purpose. So in 2019, I decided that I had to love me the way that I had loved everyone else. I did not want to leave my brother and sister, but I had to get me together. I lost all desire for everything that made me smile. I had to figure out which generational curses I was meant to break. I needed to know what I was doing. What was my life after losing my mommy? I lost a piece of my heart when my daddy passed, but I lost my soul when mommy died.
Then I wanted to make sure that my brother survived because I did not want to plan another funeral or lose anyone close to me again. I needed to explore my ancestry. I needed to learn more about my parents and where they came from. I wanted to learn more about my family and get closer to them. I had to leave the place that I loved most and go to where I was born.
I never wanted to leave, but there was so much going on and I could not focus on me and be the best me because I would not be the best version of me. I had to make a sacrifice and move and travel.
This is what we will be talking about for the rest of the month. We are going to get nitty-gritty into my story.
As always beautiful people, love you the way you love the world.
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