The things I'll never be able to do

Updated: Oct 10, 2020

You know when people say, "Never say never?" Well, I want to have a real talk conversation today. As I am sitting in the house because of the Coronavirus, I am doing a lot of reflection, and yesterday as I was journaling, I had this thought come to my head: "I'll never be able to ask my parents they wanted for their kids." I'll never know their dreams. They will never be at my brother's or my wedding, for that matter. My grandkids will never meet their grandparents. I won't be able to sit and ask them what their dreams and aspirations were. I cannot have the conversation of what they as parents envisioned for their kids. Such things, like them wanting us to have a family home, be married, have our businesses, make a foundation in their parents' name, or whatever they might have envisioned for themselves and their kids. Maybe they wanted us set up to where we had money saved until we turn 35 years old. I will never have those conversations and insights. I got this idea by listening to a clip of Vanessa Bryant saying that she will never witness her daughter Gigi grow up. Things like this, we know, but it is not something that we discuss. Now that I am writing this, I do remember my dad wanting to open up a diner. He planned to open a small city diner in St. Louis, Missouri, similar to the diners that were in his neighborhood in New York. I remember Daddy telling me he wanted to name it LLT Diner or LTL diner to name it after his kids. My daddy loved the restaurant world. He was a Food & Beverage manager when he passed, and as long I can remember, he has always worked in the restaurant business. I do get sad to think about that. I try hard to remember everything about my parents, but sometimes it's hard and frustrating. The reality is that my parents are gone. They both left this world tragically. They left their three kids heartbroken, and the people around them hurt. I get angry because why did they both have to go. How come I couldn't have been married or had kids before they left? How come my brother couldn't have spent more time in his career before the accident happened? How come my sister couldn't have opened her business while they were both here? I cannot bring them back. But I can be honest, and I will continue to ask those questions because that is part of my healing process. I will write down those questions and even write the answers that I think they would have said. I was reading a book about grief, and it said: "Part of what we do during grief is to develop a new relationship--a continuing bond--in which we do not disconnect from our loved ones, but instead reconnect with him or her in a new and different way." (Kenneth C. Haugk, Rebuilding and Remembering, Journaling through Grief Book Four.) I am sad and heartbroken, but I am excited to take this journey of reconnecting with my parents as my life continues. Dear mommy & daddy, My life has been entirely different since you left this Earth. I hope that I am making you proud. I hope that I, my siblings, and your grandkids are your wildest dreams. I know that other people are hurt, but when it comes to you two, I am only worried about my siblings and me. Oh, and your precious grandkids. We have so much to learn without you. At this time, I am watching the Land Before Time, and I can't help but imagine that I am back in our home, in the living room with the blue couches on 3431 in what used to be our green home. I feel like I am that little girl who felt like I was in the safest place in the world because I had you two by my side. I miss you dearly, Baldy and Crazy Lady. I hope that I can be your living legacy. I love you forever and ever. -Signed with much relief, your daughter

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