On October 4th, 2020, my life changed forever to enter. He was three hours away from where my mother's body lay because the hospital had to transfer her to a hospital specializing in trauma care.
While sitting there in the room with my mom and many machines, the machines started making noises, and I lost it. I started screaming, "she's gone, she's gone. She can't leave. He's not here."
The nurse came in there and played with the machines and let me know that my mother still had life in her body. She has not left the Earth just yet. I went up to my mother, and I said, "Mommy, I know you always said that if you ever ended up in a situation like this that you did not want to be kept alive, but mommy, you have to wait. You have to wait for T to get here. You have to mommy." I grabbed her hand and rubbed it, and kissed her forehead.
Mommy really waited for my brother to get there.
My brother came in with his wheelchair. My big sister and I each stood on the side of the wheelchair to try to help him up. My brother went to get up, but my sister started crying and saying, "No. No." My brother said, "For my mother, I can walk." And he walked over to our mother, and he held her.
As a social worker, I see the grief and pain of my brother. I know the trauma.
As a sister, I want to protect my brother and take all the pain away.
As a human, my heart breaks, and I am grieving.
Often I look at my siblings, and I just want to hold them. I want to take the pain away. If I am honest, though. I am not strong enough to do that. As bad as I want to be their superhero, that is just not my job. All I can be is their sister.
After my brother walked up to my mom and talked to her, it was a waiting game.
While sitting in that hospital, I firmly believe that everyone honestly thought there would be a miracle that day. Everyone sat there with their hearts on high alert.
But time came when we were forced to make a decision. I was out and about looking for some chicken wings because that's what I do. When I came back, I laughed and giggled, and then the family told me to go to the back because my sister needed me. When I went back there, the doctor was telling us the updates of my mommy. Honestly, I remember them exactly, but typing everything makes me cry. To type it, all out is a trigger for me. But after my sister and I talked, we concluded that the plug might have to be pulled. At that moment, the wires that were up and through my mom started going crazy. I genuinely believe that even though my mom could not talk to us, blink, or anything, she could hear us. At that moment, she heard us trying to decide about her life, and she made the decision for us. Her heartbeat slowed down. We had to gather the family together to say their goodbyes to our mother. We gathered around and held hands, and I prayed over my mommy. My little cousin called and asked to speak to our mom. It made everyone break down. I prayed over my mom, and the family stood around. My siblings and I gathered around our mom as we talked to her.
We told her that we loved her.
I told her that if she needed to go, then she could go. I told her it would be okay. My sister yelled out, "Please come and visit us in our dreams. Please. Please, mommy."
To this day, my sister's screams still play in my head, and my heart sinks. I can hear it as if she just said it.
My brother was so quiet. I know he cried, but his heart was broken, and I know there was an extreme amount of pain that struck his body at that moment.
Losing my mom made me handle the grief that I never allowed myself to experience with my dad.
Losing my mom forced me to focus on myself.
Losing my mom convinced me to be more intentional with my current relationships and hold my siblings as close as possible.
Losing my mom made me reevaluate my whole life.
I know they say things happen for a reason. I do not know what the reason was for this death and how traumatic it was. However, I will say that grief forces us to focus on the things that we never focused on.
I miss my mom. I miss her like crazy. Somedays, I have no idea how I even made in life without her. My most significant moments will never be experienced with her. I was in my mid-twenties with either parent by my side. I felt like a three-year-old with big watery eyes looking for my parents, but this time they would never be found.
I've experienced a lot of grief and many forms. But my mother's death took it out of me. I've talked about this before, but before my mom's funeral, I attended 6 funerals of my friends, students, and colleagues' parents. I didn't know that I participated at all of those funerals in preparation for one of, if not the hardest funeral, EVER.
This grief forced me to truly focus on ALL my pain. I had to relearn who I was. I had to learn how to love me.
I miss my mom.
Life without her has been challenging. Anxiety and depression are real. I lost my relationship with God because I came off "too strong" people left me alone. When going through grief, people do not want to be told that they are healthy. I didn't want to be strong. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be held. I wanted someone to take away the pain. I wanted someone to love me the way I love people. I know I am dope, but losing my mom made me weak and vulnerable. I lost myself. I was not SheGotFaith that day. I was faithless. I was bitter. I was angry. I had no hope.
My beautiful people, thank you so much for being here. I am happy that you are on this journey with me. Come check us out next week as we will continue this journey! Always remember to love you the way you love the world, my beautiful people.
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