Updated: Oct 10, 2020
So today is April 12th, 2020, as you all know. Today 12 years ago, my dad left this world. April 12th has always been such a unique and emotional day for me. This year is a little different because Easter falls on this day, and the whole world is quarantined. I recently just moved to New York and was so excited because I had a plan to celebrate my dad's life in New York. New York is where both of my parents are from and where my sister and I were born. We all moved to St. Louis in the year of 1993. In 2019 I decided to move back to New York to learn about where I come from and to learn more about my parents. (Side note, I was my parents only child who did not grow up on the east coast, but I did have a sense of where I came from because we always traveled to New York.) But of course, while planning to celebrate my dad's life, I realized that the deathversary of him fell on Easter Sunday. So I had to adjust my original plans. Then the world got hit with COVID-19. So again, here I was changing my plans when all I wanted to do was celebrate my dad's life. He died at a young age. He was 45 years old and on his way to a staff meeting at work. He died in front of my older sister, along with many coworkers. His heart just exploded in his body. The moment he fell, he left this Earth. He just had a visit with his doctor two weeks before, where the doctor gave him a physical. His doctor told him that everything was fine. This man defeated cancer in his twenties. By the time it was discovered that he had cancer, he was in stage 4. The doctors caught it, and he cried like a baby in the hospital room alongside family. My sister, who was 2 or 3 at the time, had to kiss her daddy with tubes connected to his face. She witnessed her daddy go from a skinny long-hair man to a chubby, balding man. My mom and dad were told that they would never have any other kids. Until April Fools day 1991, the doctor informed my mom that she was pregnant with me. Nobody believed them. I came into this world already causing problems, and I was a daddy's girl from the forehead to the toes. My dad created a clone of him. Then four years later, Mom and Dad created their first boy, my little brother. My parents were loving, and they were obsessed with their kids. Dad died on April 12th, 2007. He had dropped my brother and me off at school. The last words I said to him was, "I love you." To this day, I beat my self up because back then, we did not have smartphones, but I did have a camera that I got for my birthday. I brought it to dad's house every week except for the week that he died. I would take pictures all the time. That weekend he asked me specifically if we would take pictures, and all I could say was, "Man, Daddy, I forgot my camera in my room at mom's house. I don't even know how I forgot it." He said, "That's alright. Just bring it next week." Next week never came. At his funeral, I took all the pictures of his body. I no longer have those pictures or that camera, but I was so devastated by not having the camera when Daddy wanted me to have it. I lost my dad at the age of 15, and ever since I lost him, I've been lost, hurt, and confused, but I do not want to look at only the negative. I've also learned how to love and how to keep his legacy alive. Not having that camera led me to always taking pictures of everything. My dad took a piece of my heart when he left this Earth. There are so many things that I never experienced with him. I honestly wish he was here so I could take care of him and talk to him. I miss the smell of his coffee. I miss the cologne he used to wear. I miss him saying, "Listen to this" and "this is the story of my life." I miss that man's laugh and smile. His smile lit up the world because it was genuine. As this blog grows, we will hear more about my parents. (My mom passed away as well.) So now that you have a little bit of background, I want to explain how this blog will work. First, this post is longer than I like to post. I want to keep it sweet and concise! (Unless you all request more lol) Second, HealingSheGotFaith is dedicated to anyone who is grieving and anyone who is on the self-love journey. But I specifically made this as an outlet for adults who have lost a parent and/or caregiver. Frequently, adults do not get the opportunity to grieve their loved one(s). So many people tell us, "You should get over it. It's been X-amount of years, and your grieving should have happened already." Let me say this loud and clear grown: "people miss their parents no matter how old they get. I've never met a person who lost a parent who has said: "Yeah, it's been so and so years, and I just don't miss them or think about them anymore." There is always a piece of our heart missing. My point is this if you are a person who does not have parents (due to incarceration, drugs, death, or the parent chose not to be in your life), we feel something of some sort, and it is different for each person. But the truth is, as adults, we are often told to move forward. We do not receive the platform or area to miss our mommy or daddy. Sometimes we want to be held by the very people who took care of us, and I am here to say that it is okay to feel that way. This is the place to feel comfortable enough to be able to speak freely about that emotion. HealingSheGotFaith wants you to love you the way you love the world. I love you, and I want you to love yourself. Embrace your feelings and your story! Be that light in a dark place. Together we learn to love ourselves the way we love the world.
Disclaimer: HealingSheGotFaith is a safe place for those on a self-love journey and/or healing journey. However, this does not replace a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. If you are interested in finding a therapist you can check out the resource tab.
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