Updated: Aug 20, 2020
Grief makes us set those boundaries and have those hard conversations.
We have to truly get to know ourselves during our time of grief. Grief forces us to know ourselves and relearn ourselves. The emotions that we have been hiding from are pushed up and out when grief enters our lives.
Boundaries are defined as "the physical, emotional, and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. Their presence helps us express ourselves as the unique individuals we are, while we acknowledge the same in others." (EssentialLifeSkills.net, Healthy Personal Boundaries & How to Establish them, Z. Hereford)
Communication is defined as "the imparting or exchanging of information or news." (Google)
Boundaries are so important in everyday life, but especially when grief enters! Why? Because grief opens up old wombs, takes away from plans that were preplanned and it changes us.
When my mom passed away, I had to learn the term "No." I couldn't be there for anyone. I was trying to be there for myself. There are friends where I used to watch their kids and when my mom passed, I could no longer be there for them. I could not longer drive 40 minutes to an hour to go hangout or even go to a gym. I could no longer stay late at work and go above and beyond for my friends, work, and other people. I had to just go to work and go to sleep and just spend time with myself.
Communication, can I be honest about communication when grieving? Communicating is hard! Between dealing with the emotions and our everyday struggles and trying to communicate with the people around us and our jobs, sometimes the only communication that makes sense is our body language.
When it comes to communication sometimes you just have to tell the people around you that "it is just one of those days."
One of the hardest things I had to communicate with my self and the people around me was that "My mom and dad passed away, not me, but I still have so much pain in my body." I wanted to move on with life and I wanted to continue to live out their legacy, but the pain in my body, mind, heart, and soul is so deep. I couldn't cry, I couldn't speak and I could not understand myself. Sometimes, I am just in a daze and trying to explain that to other people is more draining to me than I can explain. Being around people made me so fatigued at the beginning of my grieving process. People wanted me to be that fun, loving, energetic person, but part of my soul had been ripped from me.
So how do we set those boundaries and communicate that to the people around us? Well, you might have to start by saying "no." Saying no might be the hardest thing you can do, but it will benefit you in the long run. It might be uncomfortable, but it will ease your mind. When it comes to communicating you might have to say "It has really been hard since I loss such and such."
Honestly, setting boundaries and communicating are some of the hardest things to accomplish. You might be sitting here reading this and thinking wow, there is no real answer which is why I am here to talk to you about it because it gets hard ladies and gentlemen. Sometimes we know what to say and other times we have no idea what to say or think. So, I am here today to let you know that it is okay to say "No," be silent and deal with yourself first. You might be ignored and misunderstood. Try not to take it personally especially because during these times we tend to become more disappointed in the people that are closest to us! Just know that this is a process for everyone and we all have to grow together even when it is hard. With all this confusion and frustration; I still encourage you to love you the way you love the world. And please remember that you are not alone in this process!
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