The past couple of years have been a blur, surreal, and just plain unreal. Since my mother's passing, I found myself looking at, slash listening on audio, motivational books, how to get out of your head books, meditation, I absolutly loved each of the ones I read and they got me motivated, for awhile. But then the fears and sadness returned. I tried going to a counselor twice in the past two years. The first I wasn't 100% comfortable with, not sure why and the second I liked, but something about counseling I just haven't found as freeing or helpful as other people have. I am open to it, but at the same time dread going. So still working on that. I also started a business. This kind of happened fast, but on this new journey I found myself going to free siminars and yup one of them got me. I started a business with what i learned at these seminars and that has kept me quite content and happy. I quit my job for the first time this year. On my mother's one year anniversary it's like some thing in me just cracked open and i just couldn't go on living a normal life at that point. I couldn't be a manager of two apartment buildings with 120 residents and staff of around 10 depending on me as thier leader. I couldn't be the person they ran to with problems, I got to the point where I truley just couldn't hear one more complaint from anyone else or I was going to literally snap! Not working has been the absolutly best thing ever for me, which is surprising. Due to my depression I will say it is a challenge every single day to not just lay in my bed or sit in my chair all day long, i mean a true true challenge, and some days that's what i do. But I have a good huband who keeps me on my toes and i have gotten stronger and most times able to tackle the day with a good to do list.
The not being able to deal with another complaint is real. I had to quit my job as well because I was able to be the "professional" the clients and staff needed me to be. I became very unhappy with myself in general. I had to do something out of my comfort zone which was quit, explore the world and move. I didn't know what I needed to do but I had to do something.
My grief process has been figuring out a new normal. What does life look like now? I did not what needed to change, but I knew something had to change. I had to start taking things out of my life. I had to say yes to me and no to the world. People did not know how to assist me because I am so strong. People would not listen to me, they just wanted me to be happy, but I could not be happy. I was grieving. I had to figure out who I was and what was my life about to look like.